Samples

Seeking Change Through Texting

July 8th, 2024

Earlier this year, I received an invitation to a wedding—a rare and significant event in my life. Apart from my father’s funeral and a nephew’s graduation ceremony, it was the first major family gathering I had ever been invited to attend. At sixty-two, with two brothers and two sisters, all married with many children, I had missed countless milestones over the years—birthdays, weddings, and more. This time, however, I vowed to attend.

I flew to Syracuse during the last week of June, filled with anticipation. The wedding was not just an opportunity to reconnect with my niece and her family but also a chance to spend precious time with my mother before returning to Miami. I booked a few extra days, and the excitement of reuniting with loved ones and being part of such a joyous occasion made this trip unforgettable.

About a week before my departure, it dawned on me that being in Syracuse meant I would likely cross paths with many people from the church—a prospect that stirred a mix of emotions. Among them was Bryan Rocine, who had recently made a public appeal from the pulpit, offering his personal cell phone number to anyone he had harmed, inviting them to reach out so he could apologize. This was an opportunity too significant to ignore.

The timing felt right, so prior to leaving for Syracuse, I decided to take him up on his offer. However, instead of calling and talking with him, I chose a more measured approach and initiated a text dialogue. As my fingers hovered over the screen, I couldn’t help but wonder what lay ahead in this conversation. Would it be a step toward healing or just another painful reminder of the past? With a deep breath, I typed my first message, setting in motion a dialogue that would challenge my perceptions and potentially reveal the true nature of his intentions.

From the onset, I harbored deep doubts about whether Bryan Rocine had truly changed. If genuine transformation had taken place, surely the many people he had wronged would have told me. To me, his public announcement felt more like a self-serving gesture—a declaration designed to appease the congregation and suggest that nothing more needed to be done or said.

However, family members and a few others assured me that Bryan had indeed changed and that the church was now committed to caring for those who had been harmed in the past. Reluctantly, I decided to extend the benefit of the doubt and engaged in the written exchange.

Each text message I received was scrutinized; each response I sent was deliberate. The words exchanged between us would reveal whether his proclaimed repentance was genuine or just a facade. Has he truly changed? Read the text dialogue and decide for yourself.

The Text Exchange

Dan: Why would a man publicly announce his availability for anyone to contact him? What is the true message here? Is it genuinely for those who may wish to reach out to him, or is it merely a performance for the world to perceive him as accessible and accountable?
If this person sincerely believes he has unjustly harmed others, should he not already know who these individuals are and take the initiative to reach out to them directly?
Imagine a scenario where someone spends thirty-six years meticulously documenting the ways in which he and others have been harmed by this man, compiling these details into a manuscript and placing it before him. Such an effort far exceeds any public declaration of willingness to accept calls from those wronged, ostensibly to discuss and make amends. Yet, this manuscript would be ignored, and any attempt to bring it to light would be vehemently suppressed and attacked.
What does this say about such a person? He has constructed a world that he and others inhabit, a realm he will defend at all costs. He is a consummate salesman, perpetually presenting his pitch to anyone at his doorstep. Until his final days, he will fabricate stories to preserve the comforts he has created for himself.
This is not a man of integrity, honor, or character to be admired. He is someone from whom people need to protect themselves, lest they fall victim to his deceitful machinations.

Bryan: Is this Daniel? What do you prefer to be called? Dan? Danny? Daniel?
Please forgive me for the unnecessary, unhelpful pain I have caused you. I forgive you for the same.
Judging by the caustic and cynical position of your text we may not be able to continue with any communication.

Dan: To seek my forgiveness and, in the same breath, label my message as caustic and cynical, does not reflect the actions of an honest or sincere individual. Have you ever considered that true contrition and criticism cannot coexist in a single plea for forgiveness? True repentance demands humility and self-reflection, not judgment and reproach.

Dan: But perhaps, upon further reflection, I am mistaken, and your message is sincere. I have been wrong before, many times in fact. If you genuinely seek my forgiveness, it is a request I am bound by duty and conscience to consider. Please tell me, what is it that you believe you have done to me for which you seek forgiveness? Without this clarity, I find myself without even the option to offer forgiveness. How can I say I forgive you without knowing what I am forgiving you for?

Dan: Bryan, I ask you once more: what is it you wish me to forgive you for? What have you done that you regret, that you acknowledge has caused me harm? Are you sorry for rejecting my pleas for help when I sought your assistance in reaching out to my father years ago, unlike other pastors who showed compassion and tried to help? Are you sorry for judging me and labeling me as a rebellious son without ever having a conversation with me about my life and my relationship with my father, relying solely on the biased views of others? Are you sorry for ignoring my request to visit me and understand my perspective through the lens of those who have known me for decades here in Miami? What is it that you want my forgiveness for? Is it any of this?

How can you know what has caused me harm if you do not ask or tell me what you seek forgiveness for? What have you done? Why wouldn’t you first acknowledge your wrongdoing? What meaning could “forgiving you” possibly have without knowing what for? Maybe you don’t feel there’s anything wrong with the actions I’ve mentioned that harmed me. If this is the case, and I simply say “I forgive you,” would that not be entirely incoherent and meaningless? If you never tell me what you’ve done wrong, how can I believe that it is forgiveness you seek and not something else entirely?

In our past correspondence, I asked you many questions, most of which you refused to answer, choosing instead to disparage me. No other pastor in Syracuse treated me with the same distance and disdain as you did, claiming to know my thoughts, even going so far as to say “God is my arch enemy.” How is it that so many years have passed, and you have yet to address these wrongs? Are you different today? Do you now acknowledge that your behavior was wrong and regret it? How am I to know? Why is this so difficult for you?

Dan: What do you truly know of me, of my life? You know I was committed to a mental institution, but do you understand the circumstances? Instead of judging me as a reprobate and a God-hater, did you ever think to ask me? Did you ever consider that you might have been contributing to the damage inflicted upon me? Maybe you have, and this is what you’re asking my forgiveness for. How can you not understand how meaningless it is to ask for forgiveness without stating what for? You are a pastor, someone who is supposed to study these matters for the benefit of others.

Take this as criticism if you must, but I simply do not understand your behavior. As a leader, with many eyes on you, the responsibility of your position is immense. Should you not put every fiber of your being into getting these things right? And as a leader, should you not focus more on your own actions rather than defending your wrongdoings by pointing out that others have wronged you too?

Where is the wisdom I longed to see for decades that would have had me by my father’s side, a member of your congregation? Your position demands a higher standard, one that requires introspection and accountability. It is time to reflect on your actions and genuinely seek to understand the impact they have had on others, especially those who looked to you for guidance and support.

Dan: When the police came to my door, claiming my father told them I was building a bomb to blow up the church, did you have a hand in that? Is it too much to ask for you to tell me the truth? This occurred around the same time you wrote to me, insisting our correspondence was confidential while subtly threatening me not to disclose your comments to others. The people I know here, when told of such events, say you all are nuts, that you all are crazy people and I need to stay away from you. Why don’t you provide evidence to the contrary? What do you know about the police searching my home for a bomb or the FBI investigating me? When I’ve asked you for similar information before, your response was simply to attack my character. Should I expect differently today? Or have you changed? Will you be forthcoming? Is any of this what you seek my forgiveness for?

Dan: This matter transcends forgiveness and enters the realm of accountability, embodying the true essence of taking responsibility for past wrongs. As a pastor, it is your duty to address the injustices perpetrated against me from the very pulpit of your church. Perhaps you are unaware, but to this day, I remain estranged from my brother David. I was deeply upset when he stood before the congregation, misrepresenting my thoughts and praising you all, claiming I saw the “good” in you and how “perfect” the memorial service was. I never said such things. In fact, I had confided in him about the immense challenge it was for me to stay calm in an environment that severely tested my well-being.
I had hoped that the days of being disparaged and lied about from the pulpit, as my father did, had ended with his passing. Yet, when I expressed my distress to my brother, he showed no inclination to make amends. If you have truly changed, you should understand that seeking forgiveness is not enough. The matter must be addressed and corrected. The congregation needs to hear the truth about the past—about who I am, who I was, and what I did not say or do.
I have already taken steps to set the record straight in my book, where I speak the truth for anyone who cares to seek it. If you are a true seeker of truth, you will understand the importance of these matters and will ensure that the falsehoods spoken about me from your pulpit are corrected from that same pulpit. Yet, at this very moment, I have no idea if these are the matters you regret your participation in. As all this transpired, you stood there, hands folded by my father’s side. Who are you today, Mr. Rocine? Are you the same man who stood silent, or have you become someone who will confront the past and embrace the truth?

Dan: So tell me that I am wrong, that my belief in your lack of integrity has been misplaced. Assure me that doing what is right is indeed paramount to you, even when it doesn’t align with your desired outcome. Tell me that my understanding of your true nature, of who you really are, has been mistaken all these years. Proclaim that you believe in justice and truth above all, and that personal wants and desires play no part in your decision-making process, especially in matters that affect those harmed by the organization you are part of. Show me that you stand for what is right, regardless of the cost. Demonstrate to me, and to everyone who doubts, that you embody the principles you preach, and that truth and justice guide your every action.

Dan: The narrative of my experience with your church has been purposefully contorted and contrived to suit the needs of others. You have all misunderstood me profoundly. It is for these reasons that I published my book. Additionally, I have created a short video—a slide presentation—that you and others in your congregation need to see. It is something you should willingly present to your group to set the record straight.

Dan: https://youtube.com/watch?v=n2Coj-eOYaw

Dan: Your integrity is under scrutiny. Having confessed to wrongdoing, you must face the consequences with courage, not retreat. Your role as a leader, an influencer, and a pastor demands accountability and unwavering transparency.

Bryan: Thanks for your explanation. Somethings are becoming clear to me.
Please forgive me for not being a greater help to you when you were a teen when I was trying to be a good influence on the teens in the church. Shame on me I gave up on you. Please forgive me for the harshness of my emails to you some years ago.
Here’s what I am realizing. You don’t have an accurate picture of what is going on in our church community regarding yourself. No one I know sicked the FBI on you. I had nothing to do with it. Id be shocked to learn your dad did. He was very quiet about you.
There has been next to zero public statements about you. I recall very brief and uncritical, 40 years ago like, “My son asked me to stay home from church for him. I couldn’t do that. “. (I summarize.)
I have never that I remember preached a single word about you knowingly or intentionally. The church is very quiet and respectful about what we consider Mazur family business. We don’t gossip about you. We hardly think about you.
I hardly ever talk about you to anyone. And hardly ever for more than a sentence . Most of any talk is in prayer. You are not a bigger topic or a preoccupation around here than anyone else.
My texts take a long time to come back to you because I have many other people to prioritize ahead of you.

Dan: This message feels like the beginning of a meaningful dialogue, and for that, I am deeply grateful. As I reflect on the past, I harbor no resentment for any perceived lack of encouragement during my teenage years. My greater concern lies with the events that have transpired in the years that followed.
I’m unsure if you’ve read my book, but it contains crucial information that sheds light on my comments. For instance, shortly after I moved to South Florida, the FBI came knocking on my door. This was a direct consequence of my father’s actions—something you might not have known. Considering everything else that has transpired, this shouldn’t come as a shock, though it’s possible you were unaware.
You mentioned there have been “zero” public statements about me. This is not true. I have received copies of several statements embedded in the sermons of the organization you now head. I’ll share one of them with you here; it’s an audio recording from the pulpit. I would appreciate your thoughts on this message made within your church and whether you believe such a comment should be addressed or corrected. My father has claimed, and even insisted to me and others, that he has not discouraged my siblings or anyone from having a relationship with me. This is an outright lie, one of many manipulations I can prove have existed, and as a person in your position, you have a responsibility to address it. This is one of many circumstances occurring long after my teenage years that I ask you to respond to and address.
You claim not to gossip about me, yet you have written extremely harsh criticisms of my character. From where your conclusions about me originate, I can only speculate. These comments, a few of which I have already addressed in this thread, are very damaging and have compounded other false claims and attacks that have caused significant harm, not just to me, but to others as well. It’s these criticisms of yours, not anything from my teenage years, that I want you to address.
I also want to remind you of the time I invited you to Miami to meet people who know me, rather than relying on the damaging comments of others. Instead of accepting or even responding to my sincere offer, you accused me of being obsessed with you and justifying myself to you. These examples of your behavior are what concern me and deserve a proper response.
There is much more to discuss, but addressing these points would be a good start.

Dan: https://drive.datadupe.com/f/1e2a84c315aa4fe6ad8d/

Dan: You need to understand that the entire narrative surrounding my departure from my family and your church has been a gross manipulation and complete mischaracterization of the truth. I urge you to watch the video clip I sent you, if you haven’t already. It accurately represents what truly happened, unlike the false narrative constructed for you and the church members to believe. This narrative was crafted to fit a misleading image of who I am and how I should be perceived.

Dan: This false narrative endures, continuing to fuel the rift between me and family members, especially my brother David. It has become an impenetrable wall that must be torn down. Only by confronting and dismantling these misconceptions can healing begin and genuine reconciliation be found.

Dan: Before I continue with my workday, I’d like to share one more point for you to ponder. It concerns the contrasting perspectives I hold of you and my father. Throughout our communications, I have never questioned your honesty. I’ve never caught you in a lie or observed any intentional deceit. Perhaps you truly believed, at least at the time, the negative sentiments you expressed about me. I cannot say with certainty whether you are a dishonest person, but dishonesty is not something I have witnessed from you.

However, it’s crucial to recognize that my father possessed a deeply troubling characteristic. He was not just dishonest; he engaged in deceit far beyond simple dishonesty. Simply stated, as painful as it is to say this about one’s own father, my dad was not an honest man. He was capable of crafting and spreading the most untruthful stories to achieve his desires. Whether you have discovered or acknowledged this yet, you eventually need to contemplate this harsh reality. If you are ever to move forward in situations like mine and others, with a godly purpose aligned with the teachings of the Bible, you will eventually need to cross this bridge. You will need to face this most uncomfortable truth, as I have, about who my father truly was.

Did he believe in many good things? Was he a great contributor to the well-being of others? Certainly, he was. However, this characteristic you may identify as a sin had dire consequences. No matter how much good anyone does, it is vital to address such deficiencies to prevent further damaging consequences. In the end, it is not merely our actions that define us, but our willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths about those we love and ourselves. Only then can we strive for true integrity and redemption.

Dan: It’s 12:45 AM. I usually wake at 2 AM every weekday morning to begin my day. But not this morning. What you wrote to me yesterday, about my father telling you I asked him to stay home from church for me, has kept me up all night, unable to sleep. So, as I have often done when dwelling on poignant moments of my past, I turn to my pen.
The moment I read your message, I knew exactly which day you were referring to. Your message from my father—whether you recall his words clearly, partially, or exactly as he said them—brought back memories I cannot shake. I remember that day vividly, as it was during a formative time in my youth. I was going through a crisis, the specifics of which blur among many, but the significance of that moment stands out starkly.
The crisis was as severe as when I needed to speak with my father about being molested by someone in my younger years who I had just learned was coming to town and would be visiting my family. Despite my distress and the gravity of the situation, my father refused to even be late for church to address my crisis. That response shifted my concern from the crisis itself to a more devastating, ongoing issue between me and my father.
No, I did not ask my father to forfeit his presence at church that day to be with me. My request was simply for him to understand the gravity of my situation and the worth of a moment with me, even if it meant risking being late for one of his meetings. Whether he misrepresented that day to you, or if you are absolutely certain he told you I expected him to forfeit his church attendance, then he certainly did. And if he did, that encapsulates the problem between us.

Dan: During my youth, any significant event in my life was often altered by my father to fit a narrative that suited his interests. For instance, in my book, I recounted a story about a fight I got into with a school kid. The entire incident was my doing, my fault, and I needed to be admonished and to learn a lesson about the wrong I did. However, when I approached my father to explain what happened, despite my extreme efforts to be truthful and represent what truly happened, he would not hear it. He turned the story entirely around and made it part of his sermon the following Friday evening, about how Christians need to defend themselves when attacked by sinners.
This is just one anecdote representing my lifelong struggle to communicate with a father who not only would not hear me but was willing to present me to others in an untruthful way that suited his narrative. He molded every significant moment to fit his interests, to serve the purpose of his church and other ambitions, many of which I believed then, and today are very good, but not worthy of the many deceptive means I observed his accomplishments achieved by.
What truly concerns me, what haunts me in the quiet hours of the night, is not merely the events themselves but the chasm they created between us. A chasm built on misrepresentation and a lack of understanding that has left me, even decades later, grappling with the lifetime of silence between us that he enforced and ensured until his dying days.

Dan: I wanted to let you know that my aunt will be at the church tomorrow. I feel very strongly that a warm hello from you would be very well received. Rest assured, I will ensure there are no concerns about any difficulties from me.

Bryan: Nice of you to give a “heads up.” Thanks.

Dan: Good morning, Bryan,
I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for making my aunt feel welcomed at the church. Despite her initial reservations, she deeply appreciated attending the Sunday morning service. A particularly significant moment for her was reconnecting with an old acquaintance and coworker from General Motors. Despite a past rift, he approached her with open arms, genuinely happy to see her. This was just one of several similar positive experiences she encountered.
For me, this experience illuminated the inherent goodness in others. Your son, Isaiah, especially stood out. I had the pleasure of spending time with him at the wedding and after the Sunday sermon. Isaiah was approachable and engaging, and our conversation left me eager to learn more about him and your family.
Interestingly, Isaiah knew very little about me, including the fact that I have published a book. This lack of awareness was surprising, especially considering I discovered yesterday that even my own niece, Natalie, was unaware of it. It seems that those I spoke with were not particularly interested in learning more about me, which was unexpected given my deep curiosity about them. This realization was both informative and eye-opening.
During our conversation, Isaiah asked why I am not a Christian. Given our shared background and exposure to the Living Word Church, I found it difficult to provide a concise answer in the moment. Interestingly, it was my nephew, Davie, a close friend of Isaiah, who told him everything he knew about me. The only thing he knew was simply that I am an atheist. I found it intriguing that this was what came to mind when asked about who I was. Additionally, my nephew had confided in me that intimate relationships with non-Christians, people like me, were not possible for him. This revelation was profoundly impactful and is crucial to understanding my perspective.
In retrospect, I believe a chapter from my book encapsulates my reasons for not being involved in your church and why my beliefs have diverged from those in attendance. This chapter delves into the theme of family and the potential for positive relationships between people of differing beliefs. It explores how these relationships, once full of promise, were shattered by stringent dogma that, in my view, needed to be more flexible to keep good people together instead of apart. This rigid adherence to unyielding doctrines, I believe, undermines the possibility of unity and mutual respect among individuals with diverse perspectives. The chapter seeks to convey the profound impact of these dynamics on my own journey and relationships.
If Isaiah is interested in knowing more about me and my perspective, could you kindly provide him with the following link to this chapter?
https://drive.datadupe.com/f/6d9983bda451435781ab/
Once again, thank you for greeting my aunt and making her feel welcome on Sunday morning. Your kindness did not go unnoticed.

Dan: Your sermon last Sunday morning, titled “The Power of Repentance,” left a profound impact on me. You began by referencing Mark, where John the Baptist preached repentance for the forgiveness of sins, drawing the entire Judean countryside and the people of Jerusalem to confess their sins. You emphasized the transformative power of repentance, asserting that it can alter the course of one’s life. Repentance, you stressed, offers a pathway to forgiveness, severing the chains of wickedness that bind us to our past and preventing it from dragging us into the depths of despair.
You explained that repentance involves both intellect and emotion, compelling us to feel genuine sorrow for our wrongdoings. This change in attitude moves us away from fault-finding and toward self-reflection. Quoting Jeremiah, you lamented how few people genuinely repent, asking, “What have I done?” You urged us to ask the Lord this crucial question, and to follow it with, “What shall I do?”—a significant step in the process of repentance.
After the sermon, my mother, aunt, Jody, and I dined at The Waterfront Tavern in Central Square, where the sermon became the central topic of our conversation. The emphasis on forgiveness resonated deeply with me, sparking hope for a meaningful dialogue with you. I listened intently to your sermon and engaged in discussion with my family and friend, Jody.
I shared with Jody how my ears perked up when you spoke of repentance and forgiveness. Your repeated call to ask, “What have I done?” and “What shall I do?” filled me with excitement and hope. It struck me that just as we seek forgiveness from God through repentance, we must also seek forgiveness from those we have wronged. This vital aspect seemed missing from the sermon, and I hoped it might appear in your concluding remarks.
When I expressed this to Jody, she responded, “Well, the service is only so long. Brother Bryan can’t fit everything into one sermon.” To which I replied, “Do you mean the message I just shared with you—something you clearly understand—delivered in less than sixty seconds?”
My visit with my family lasted an entire week, from one Wednesday to the next. Though the invitation to my niece’s wedding required fewer days, I chose to stay longer to spend precious time with my aging mother. This extended visit allowed for many moments of deep conversation between us, often centering around the current and past activities of our family and the church, some of which I have already shared with you.
Throughout this past week, my mother has increasingly acknowledged the past wrongdoings of her church, my father, and herself. She has continually sought my forgiveness for her role in these events—transgressions she has confessed and for which I have long forgiven her. Our conversations have revealed her growing understanding of my beliefs, and she often says, “Danny, you’re not an atheist; I just don’t believe it.” To this, I respond, “Mom, today I am; tomorrow I may be something else.”
She insists, “But you believe in God. You must, I can tell.” I reply, “Well, if He exists, where can I find Him—in your church?” This gives her pause, as she has come to realize the extent of the wrongs, deceit, and harmful behavior that have made it impossible for people like me, who have strived to live according to Christian principles, to remain connected not only to the church but also to their own family.
During my visit, I had the opportunity to visit Mary Sorrendino on Monday. As you’re aware, Mary once attended the Living Word Church and even taught Sunday School there for about ten years. I recently read her book, Misery to Ministry, where she recounts a traumatic event she and her sister experienced when they first attended the church.
Mary’s sister was about to deliver a child, but tragically, the baby was stillborn. Not knowing how to handle the situation, Mary called our home to speak with my father, her pastor. My mother answered the phone and told Mary that the church does not handle such matters and that there was nothing they could do. There was no offer of sympathy or mention that the church would pray for her sister and her family.
Furthermore, due to the church’s doctrine against secular counsel, no external support was sought. Mary’s sister, adhering to the church’s teachings, refrained from seeking the necessary help. Consequently, they endured greater and unnecessary suffering, difficulties that could have been mitigated with proper counsel and support.
Considering everything thus far, I intend to send another message to my mother. If she is truly interested in my belief in God, she has the capacity to demonstrate a quality that, if He exists, He would surely possess. I have often stated that while I do not yet know where God is, I do know where He is not.
I would ask my mother to show me that, unlike so much I’ve seen in the past, a member of the Living Word Church has the courage to do what the Bible says and embody the principles you preach. The truth of Mary’s claims and the accuracy of her memories—do these even matter? Do we need a witness? The fact is, Mary and her sister were hurt.
What if my mother found the courage to invite Mary and her sister over for coffee? What if she allowed them to express their pain without judgment? My God, the woman lost her child. Is it too late? Is it ever too late to show love, care, and concern for another? To acknowledge where we have fallen short and ask for forgiveness?
This gesture could be a profound act of healing. It would demonstrate the true essence of repentance and forgiveness, offering a tangible example of living out the principles of compassion and empathy. It would show that faith is not just about belief but about action—about reaching out to those we have wronged and seeking to make amends. This is the God I would believe in, a God reflected in the courageous acts of those who follow Him.
Am I saying this would make me believe in God or in His involvement with your church? Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn’t. But it is in such places, through such actions, that I would continue to observe closely. I am searching, and if I found a place aligned with what I know to be right, I would want to delve deeper, eager to discover what I do not yet know. I recognize truth when I see it, and I am drawn to it.
As I’ve said, I will convey this message to my mother. However, as her pastor, your involvement could significantly impact Mary and her sister and my mother. If you spoke with my mother and facilitated a meeting with Mary and her sister, the gesture would be powerful.
As you’ve preached, the sin that does not lead to death is the sin that is quickly repented of. I will send you a copy of the passage from Mary’s book detailing what happened. It is my hope that you act swiftly upon this opportunity. If not, I will be the one providing my mother and others the chance to benefit from this experience.
This moment could be a testament to the true spirit of repentance and forgiveness, demonstrating that faith is not just about words but about actions. It could bring healing and reconciliation, showing that the church is a place where love and understanding prevail. This is the God I could believe in—a God reflected in the courageous and compassionate acts of His followers.

Dan: From “Misery To Ministry”
Bill was coming out to church with Toni. Back in 1977, on Christmas day, Toni had miscarried in the 16th week. I was in England at the time. Toni’s baby would have been 7 months younger than my second son, Jason. It was hard for her, but Toni was taught not to count her chickens before they hatched. So, she just tried to think that it was not a baby and she shouldn’t be upset.
Toni got pregnant shortly after she accepted Christ, and I was excited! I thought, How awesome this is! Eric was one year old and would be two in April; Toni’s baby was due in June 1982. We always thought that we would have our children at the same time or very close in age. Although Jason and Toni’s other baby would have been the same age, I was glad that Eric would be just two years older than this baby.
I planned for the baby shower to be when Toni was in her eighth month. That way if she delivered early the baby should be okay. After having Chuckie six weeks early and Jason ten weeks early, I knew how fragile life is.
We had a surprise baby shower at my home and invited a lot of family members. Everyone was so excited because they felt terrible when Toni lost that other baby in the fourth month in 1977. Bill’s daughter Tami was there and was also excited, because she was going to have a little brother or sister. Tami was 7.5 years old; she was a sensitive little girl.
Tami said to me, “I hope what happened that last time won’t happen again.” I said, “Sweetheart, that won’t happen. She’s almost due….” I went over to the trailer where Toni and Bill lived. Bill had put the crib together, and Toni was very excited. But I thought I heard God say that no baby would sleep in this crib in this house.
About two weeks later I was sitting at the dinner table and I had this overwhelming sense that something was wrong with my sister. I said to my husband, “Oh my God! I feel like something is wrong, like Toni is sick or dying !!!!
Chuck knew how I had had dreams in the past that came true or feelings that had meaning. I immediately called Toni; she was taking a nap, and she was very tired. I asked how the baby was, and she said “Good, but it was weird that the baby kicked really hard earlier.” I said I was just checking on her because I was worried. “Don’t worry, I’m okay, just tired.”
The next day Toni said, “Mary, the baby’s not moving anymore.”
“Well, Toni, there’s not much room for the baby.”
A few days later Toni had an appointment with her OB/GYN, Dr. Ziver Huner. When he went to listen for the heartbeat, there was silence. He immediately asked if she was alone. She said no, Bill had come with her. Then Dr. Huner asked him to come in, and they talked and set up an ultrasound to be done immediately. Toni went for the test and was very confused. As they went down the hall Bill knew what was going on, but Toni was not getting it. She asked Bill, “What are they going to do now to get the heartbeat back?” She said she felt the Lord say that everything would be okay.
She returned to the office and Dr. Huner told her and Bill that their baby had died. Toni was unable to process the information…. He offered counseling. Toni said no, she thought that it was WRONG to meet with a counselor because the church we attended spoke against it, and she wanted to do the right thing. At this church counseling was not recommended, and anyone who did see a counselor was somehow in error.
I was home when Toni and Bill left Dr. Huner’s office. Bill knew that he had to bring Toni to see me. I looked out and saw them getting out of the car, and I KNEW! God said, “I am in control.” I was devastated!!!! Toni was devastated!!!!
I called the pastor’s house. It was a Friday, and being Catholic I wondered what they would do to help us. I was recently baptized and Toni was attending regularly. The preacher’s wife got on the phone. I was very upset and asked if she knew my sister. She said yes, she had seen her in church. I went on and told her that her baby died and that we would need a pastor or something like that for the funeral arrangements. I asked, “What do you do in these situations?” She said, “Nothing. We do nothing.” She never said she was sorry – just “nothing,” like it was no big deal! She didn’t even say they would pray.
I thought, Oh…this church is much different than what I was brought up in. I felt hurt by the lack of care and concern for a family in the church that was experiencing a devastating situation. Although this did not make sense, I thought that God had sent me to this church and we were just expected to lean on God. After their response I thought that I was wrong to expect anything from them. I did not trust my feelings or thoughts, so I assumed that I was wrong for contacting them.
Finally, on June 1, 1982 Toni gave birth to her stillborn daughter, Therea Ann Wood. Toni never went to counseling and therefore was not prepared for the birth. She pretended that she was not going through this. Although she did do some grieving, she never held Theresa. The nurses at Community General Hospital were great. Bill did look at their daughter and said she just looked like she was asleep. She had dark hair, and later Toni found out from the nurse that she had really long eyelashes and she weighed 1 lb. 7 oz. Later in the day Toni asked if she could see the baby now and maybe hold her… but it was too late. If she had counseling she would have been prepared for this and would have known that she could have held the baby.
Toni was traumatized by the event. She worked at a retail store on Erie Boulevard, and many customers asked her if she had a boy or girl. Tini told them she had a little girl but she was stillborn. The customers and her co-workers were wonderful and compassionate to my sister. It was very difficult working in public with so many individuals having contact with Toni.

Bryan: Hi Dan. Thank you for listening so intently to the message of such an imperfect messenger as I. Your recall is almost perfect.
1. Right or wrong, I did intentionally include the subject of our human relationships and person-to-person sin. I am sure you recall something like this: “Don’t take this message as being for someone on the other side of the aisle. THEY should repent.” I’ll explain. I thought the Lord wanted us to focus on first things first — our relationship with Him. But of course you may be right. Shoulda included our person-to-person relationships as part of an inseparable package. I often operate under the principle “less is more,” sometimes to the detriment of the bigger picture.
2. I don’t know how to satisfy you when it comes to the Toni S story. What your mom did and said is coming to us as hearsay. I know your mom very well, and I’m not about to doubt or investigate her tender and compassionate nature based on hearsay.
3. Re your challenge, that you may believe in God when you find people who live sincerely in obedience to the teaching of Jesus… don’t throw down that gauntlet. Judge God on His own merit not on mine or anyone else’s. I fall pathetically short. But He sent His Son to pay the price of our sins. What He did for us is enough to inspire undying faith and loyalty.

Dan: Thank you for responding, Bryan. I understand your emphasis on personalizing the message, and I recall your mention of it that Sunday morning. However, my concern remains. It is crucial to openly communicate what we need forgiveness for. This has been my message from the beginning and remains so now.
You mentioned, “I don’t know how to satisfy you.” But it’s not about satisfying me; it’s about recognizing the validity of my points, which align with what God requires of us. The truth of the story isn’t as important as the moral implications. When people come to you claiming they’ve been wronged, do you ask for a witness? Isn’t it more important to show compassion and concern, regardless of evidence?
Consider the story of Mary and her sister’s loss. Whether a child truly died or the accuracy of the occurrence isn’t the point; the real issue is how we respond with empathy and support. This experience should teach us to be more compassionate and to encourage others to seek appropriate counseling, whether secular or otherwise. Regardless, as I’ve mentioned, should you not be willing to participate in this opportunity to help my mother, Mary, her sister, and others, I will certainly be the one to do so.

Dan: I awoke this morning with an eerie feeling, one that evokes memories of my conversations with my late father. As I write to you, I am reminded of the profound dialogues we shared. My father, like you, held the position of pastor, and he too struggled with the weight of his responsibilities.
Despite my repeated requests, I still do not know if you have read my book. Your reluctance to engage in open and honest dialogue with me has left me feeling unheard and misunderstood. When I inquired about presenting my offer to your son, your response was absent. When I tried to discuss the disparaging comments you made about me years ago, you closed the door to any meaningful conversation. Your initial response to my first message indicated that a dialogue was unlikely due to my perceived caustic and cynical position. However, it is clear to anyone that I have approached you with sincerity and a genuine desire for understanding.
This situation reminds me of my early mornings with my father. While my siblings were at school and my mother was teaching kindergarten at the Academy, my father would approach me, seeking my opinion on handling sin within the church—an elder molesting his children, members engaging in fornication, and such. Despite offering my thoughts, he often chose to keep such matters hidden to maintain the church’s facade. Yet, these were not the most disturbing conversations; rather, it was those where I implored him to show more compassion and understanding.
Had my father opened his heart and relinquished his need for control, my mother would have been spared decades of separation from loved ones, including her sister and parents. His insistence on isolation and stringent actions to maintain separation from those he deemed capable of diminishing his control of others caused immense damage. Today, my mother’s parents are gone, and she can never amend that loss. However, she has found solace in a renewed relationship with her sister and others, including me, the very person my father stripped away from her in his efforts to control and isolate.
Now, I see the same pattern repeating with you. Your door is closed, and you resist any effort to reunite loving people. Outsiders often describe your church as one devoid of love. This perception stems from the lack of compassion, empathy, wisdom, and understanding. Like my father, who saw himself as a simple small-town preacher, you project yourself as a humble servant of God. Yet, your actions suggest otherwise.
As a pastor, it is your duty, as mandated by the scriptures, to facilitate the coming together of people who have faced life’s challenges. What is required of you, as it was of my father, is simple: step aside and allow the spirit to move.
Please, Pastor Bryan, consider opening your heart and embracing a path of compassion and empathy. Let us work together to reunite those who have been separated, to heal wounds, and to foster a community grounded in love and understanding.

Bryan: I have accountability to a group of experienced men and women of faith. I am honest with them about my failings and keep them appraised of my actions and communications. They have the power to censure and/or fire me. They decide how to take care of me. I would not want it any other way. You simply are not in a position to be part of that group.
I literally don’t have time, energy, or interest in giving you that kind of relationship with me. In fact, it would be inappropriate and impossible. Cmon, Dan, you should understand that.
Since you are so desperate to know about me and your book, I have not read it. I don’t plan to read it. I really don’t relish telling you this.

Dan: Hi Bryan,

Fortunately, you won’t need to fabricate stories to distance yourself from me. I live far away, and you may find solace in knowing that I will no longer seek answers or further discussion from you. Yet, before we part ways, I wish to leave you with a final reflection on the matter that began this thread: forgiveness.

Your recent comments about my supposed obsession with you, echoing past remarks for which you sought forgiveness, and your ongoing reluctance to address my concerns, hint at a lack of understanding or compassion. Despite this, should it matter to you, I forgive you for both the past and present wounds inflicted by your words.

Know this: while empathy and understanding seem absent in your responses, I harbor no resentment or ill feelings toward you. After this message, you will no longer be troubled by my outreach. Despite your disregard for my concerns, my door will always remain open, just as it is with my brother David. Should you ever wish to discuss something that weighs on your mind, I will not judge you for your past or present actions. I will gladly listen, offer my full attention, and do my best to support you in any sincere matter you bring forth.

Life is hard, and we all make mistakes. I have made many and will make many more. But when I recognize them, I strive to address them with compassion, empathy, and understanding, especially when they affect others. Good luck to you, Bryan, and my best wishes for your future endeavors.